my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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