That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize