shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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