I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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