I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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