in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
