i just wanna soil my oats bro
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
