Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
