fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
