I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
