Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize