you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
