one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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