I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
