I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
