highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
