My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
