Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
