A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I intend to get homeless drunk
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
