There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She needs sedatives and a leash
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize