So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
