i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
