the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
