Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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