New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
