my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
