she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
