ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
