come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Did you pee in the oven last night??
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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