I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Randomize
