i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Shame is for Republicans.
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