So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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