i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
