Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
