This house was built for laser tag.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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