we have pet lesbian snakes
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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