Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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