Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
