before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Randomize
