Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
