i think i recognize dicks better than faces
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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