What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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