Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
