He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
