so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Drake has all the answers
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
