phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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