Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
