he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Randomize
