i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
