We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
