I molested 6 butterflies tonight
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
