Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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