When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
