he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
