my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
