I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
this boner is exhausting
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
