I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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