I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
