Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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