At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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