Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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