No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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