I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
